Silence

   I’ve always told myself that I’m the type of person who could simply be sitting in silence with the people I love the most, and yet still feel totally comfortable and secure. But over the past couple of weeks, I’ve realized that though that mindset of mine may be true with the people I’m closest to, it certainly didn’t seem to be true between me and God.

     Over spring break, I honestly went though a time of panic in my relationship with God. Not panic because I felt like He was drawing away from me, but panic because I felt like I was letting my thoughts draw me away from Him.

     For lots of different reasons I was sad... I felt like I was missing out on things... I was jealous of the BIG experiences God was allowing the others around me to have with Him... and I felt angry because I wanted to do certain things so bad and God was obviously saying that it was not the time for me to do them yet.  

    I had lots of unanswered questions and anxious thoughts whirling around in my head-
When, God, will you answer me? When will you tell me what I’m supposed to do? Why can I not feel you like I usually do? Why am I having all these awful feelings of sadness and jealousy and frustration?

     It was hard- really hard. And as I continued to panic, God remained silent. And I have to admit, I was very uncomfortable.

     You’d think that I would be totally at peace in the hands of my all-knowing Savior, but during that time I was not. I hated feeling so sad and so jealous of others and so confused... I didn’t understand why God had me in the place that he did, and I wished I could just go back and re-live all the special memories and incredible moments I’d had with God in the past!

     But slowly and surely, God began to entangle my emotions and give me peace even amidst all my questions.

     First, He opened my eyes to see that sometimes the feelings I experience are all just going to be a part of living in the fallen, sinful world that I do. I’m only human, and as a result I won’t always be able to help feeling sad or jealous about some things. However, I must always be sure to run to God whenever I am having those feelings and allow Him to replace them with His truth and love.

     Secondly, God showed me that I cannot live my life looking back into the past. Even though I may have been dwelling on very GOOD things I’d experienced- special memories, life-changing moments, and God-sized miracles- I was still dwelling on things... I was thinking so MUCH on the past things God had done in my life and wishing I could go back and relive those moments again, that I started loosing sight of the incredible things God is doing in my life RIGHT NOW! I was trying to get back up and pretend I was living life on this great, super spiritual mountain with God, when I should have been buckling myself down and preparing to fight in the trenches for the things God’s called me to.

     And then one morning, during all that uncertainty and discomfort, I finally clearly heard God speak to me through these verses I had read in my quiet time that morning...

“YOU HAVE STAYED LONG ENOUGH ON THIS MOUNTAIN.
Break camp and advance into the hill country...
See I have given you this land.”
~ Deuteronomy 1:6-7

It was like God was literally telling me-
McKenna, you have stayed long enough at this mountain. I have given you so many good things in the past, but now is not the time to turn back in pursuit of those old good things. Now is the time to turn towards ME and pursue MY perfect plan for you! Now is the time to plant yourself in the valley and fight for the things I’ve called you to. Now is the time to believe in the miracles forming right before your very eyes! And to know that I am standing beside you. And I love you. And I believe in you. And I have called you to greatness!... If you’ll only trust in me.

“Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them.
The Lord your God, who is going before you,
will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt,
before your very eyes, and in the wilderness.
There you saw how the Lord your God carried you,
as a Father carries his son, all the way you went
until you reached this place.”
~ Deuteronomy 1:29-31

     Just because God may have been silent for a time, didn’t mean that He wasn’t still Sovereign. God had never stopped being my Savior, and I know He never will! He is still seated on the throne, ruling as King of my heart, and no matter how hard my walk with Him may get, He never lets go of my hand and He never ceases to hold my whole word in His hands! If He has carried me this far in my life, I know that He can surely carry me on into the future, too! And I trust Him. He is such a good God; such a good, good Father- MY good, good Father. And though I still may not have all the answers, I know that HE does, and that’s enough.

     And so... I’d like to end this post with a song God immediately brought to my mind JUST the other night as I was thinking about all of this...

https://youtu.be/BGvGsApcnWA